1, 2, & 3 - Here's what's been going on with me

Life has been a full bucket of challenges recently. Working full-time, going to grad school full-time, and living hundreds of miles away from advisers and peers has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I wake up early, work hard until I finally finish all I need to do for the day and fall asleep. I try to sprinkle in moments I can spend with friends, usually a few hours between getting off work and taking tests or writing papers. It's a lot to take on and pretty much everyday I ask myself why I chose this path. Why did I decide to move so far away from familiarity? Why did I agree to a  full-time, 40+ hours a week, job? Why am I crazy? I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I don't know why I am here. I just don't. But there are three things I do know. 1. God is real and He is aware of me. 2. Progress doesn't come in the midst of comfort. 3. Walking with your eyes closed gets you farther than you think.

Let me expound on those thoughts:
1 - I know that God is real. I know that he is completely aware of me. I have spent many hours down on my knees asking, pleading, chatting, laughing, and crying with God. I don't know how it all works together - agency, guidance, and God's omniscient state of knowing everything; but I do know that He has been guiding me this entire time. I have felt His spirit and been comforted as I have made decisions that have lead me to where I am now. He wants the best for me, and we are working together to achieve the common goal of eternal happiness.

2 - Progress doesn't come in the midst of comfort. When I think about this, I think about babies. Have you ever watched as a baby learns a new skill? Have you seen the struggle in their eyes as they figure out what they need to do to control their body and make it work? Have you heard them cry and seen a parent step back for a second and watch them struggle until they figure it out? It's hard sometimes to stand back and watch as this baby cries and tries to find comfort in this new skill, but letting them figure it out allows them to progress. Life is about progressing. It is about learning and growing and becoming. But, the thing about life, is that none of that progression comes easy. It takes work, it takes time, and it takes getting out of your comfort zone to do it. Right now, I am really far out of my comfort zone. I always have a plan and I rarely do anything unless I am sure of the outcome. I calculate my decisions, think them over with various scenarios, multiple times, and don't usually let myself be in a situation where I do not feel in control. That is my comfort zone. When I feel I don't have control, or I don't know where I am going or what I am doing, I freak out a bit (or a lot) and it feels like I'm in a tailspin until I can find that control again. But, progress doesn't come in comfort zones, and so here I am. No plan, no control, just sorta riding it out and learning A LOT about myself, about life, and about God's eternal plan for me.

3 - Walking with your eyes closed gets you farther than you think. So, I'm kind of weird and I really like to do this thing where I shut my eyes and walk. Most people don't notice it, in fact, even people I spend a lot of time with have never noticed that occasionally I have my eyes closed and am relying on their voice and steps to guide me to where I need to be. Like I said, it's super weird, but I think it is a really telling exercise. You find out a lot about yourself, the relationship with the person you are walking with, and the environment around you. My favorite part though, is seeing how far I've come when I finally open my eyes. It never fails that when I open my eyes, even if it feels like I've only gone a little bit, I am always farther than where I think I am. That's kind of like life right now. I feel like I've been walking with my eyes closed, relying on God and others to help me get to where I need to be. I know that eventually I will open my eyes, look around and see I am farther than I ever thought I would be. It's okay to close your eyes and rely on someone else. I think that's one of the biggest lessons we can learn in this life - to let go of what we know and let someone else step in to help us. Although it is a little scary to be (metaphorically) walking with my eyes closed, I know one day I will open them and realize I am farther along than I ever would be on my own.

Concluding my thoughts for today is a talk by Elder Rasband entitled "By Divine Design."
I have listened to this talk more times than I can count. It has been so helpful in my life as I have taken the time to really focus on what is being said. This quote is by far my favorite -

"What are God’s miracles that remind you that He is close, saying, “I am right here”? Think of those times, some daily, when the Lord has acted in your life—and then acted again. Treasure them as moments the Lord has shown confidence in you and in your choices. But allow Him to make more of you than you can make of yourself on your own. Treasure His involvement."

Remember that when it seems like all direction and understanding is gone, if we look for God's great miracles - big and small- we can realize we are closer to His path than ever before; and that will always put a smile on my face.

HAPPY Valentine's Day!

Guys. Let's talk about how Valentine's Day gets a lot of flack. Some people really hate it. Some people really love it. Some people spend the day eating chocolate. And some people don't even acknowledge the day exists. To many (including my very single self) it is a reminder that there isn't someone by your side. In fact, some people have even changed the name to call it Single Awareness Day, or SAD. And you know what that makes me? Sad.

This is actually the first Valentine's Day that I have really enjoyed! That isn't because I have a boyfriend, fiance, or dog, but it's because I realized something recently - it's okay to be alone! There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone means that there isn't a person by your side. Being lonely means that you are sad about that. I mean, I get it. I have been alone for a really long time, and I will admit for a large part of that time I have been lonely, but honestly, there isn't a reason why being alone should make you lonely. Especially on Valentine's Day! This day is all about love! And love exists whether you are single or in a relationship. So go love someone. Love yourself, love your family, love your friends, love your neighbors, and love the random guy riding his bike down the road (side note: I yelled "Happy Valentine's Day" out the window at someone today and I think they were really shocked and possibly frightened, but you know #YOLO)

When you focus on how much love is actually in your life instead of how much love you don't have (yet), your life changes. You will be happier and maybe, just maybe, you'll enjoy this lovely day meant to celebrate all the love in the world quite a bit more!

"Put a smile on your kisser and someone might but a kiss on your smiler!"

#NoOneLikesAFrownyFace

Diary of a Gimpy Kid

So,  I have been broken now for about 3 weeks. I've been pretty positive about the whole situation, but sometimes it's really hard. I felt like I should finally write something about how I'm really doing not just the positive moments. So here's a list of the worst things about being broken.

1. Not being able to walk. I'm a hiker. I hiked almost every weekend of the summer. I love being outside and walking around in the trees and mountains. I also walk to relieve stress. Now, I can't just get out of my head and go for a walk to clear my mind. I can't even  get things for myself, move around freely and go upstairs.

2. Stairs. Let's talk for a bit about how stairs are literally of the devil. I live in a basement. I work in a basement. Not gonna lie, I hate, HATE stairs now. Yes, there are railings, yes you can help me, yes there are elevators and crutches and so many ways to get me places but you have NO idea how much effort it takes just to get up on stair let alone a whole flight of them. I have literally crawled up and down the stairs just as pathetic looking as you can imagine because that's easier than hopping and jumping and working and yeah.

3. Not being able to drive. I love driving. I like getting out and drive to the sore and go shopping and driving through the mountains and just being able to take myself where I need to go. Having that taken away has been one of the hardest things ever.

4. Sympathy. This isn't a bad thing or a bash against people but for reals when you look at me with eyes that say "what a terrible thing, I'm so sorry." And then treat me like I just found out everyone in the world just died and I'm about 5 minutes away from dying myself, that just makes things worse.

5. On the other hand, apathy. I DO have a broken foot. I can't do a lot of things anymore and even some things I can do take so much effort it's easier for me to just ask you for help. I appreciate that you try and help me do things by myself, but if I ask for help, take 10 minutes longer or don't do what you think I can, please step in and help me out. I'm struggling and that's not easy.

6. Loss of independence. I've always been very independent. I don't like asking for help, relying on others, or feeling like I need someone else to survive. It's been really tough actually having to rely on people. Losing the feeling of being able to be independent is really rough.

7. Transportation devices: I mean it's 2016, why can't we teleport yet? Having to lug around my scooter, crutches, etc. is the worst. I want to just be able to get from point A. to point B. quickly and efficiently without pain.

8. Let's talk about the pain. I'm in constant pain. Yep. Constant. And it's not just my foot. Not being able to use one body part means that you have to learn to use the rest of them. Which, in turn, means my whole body aches.

9.  Feeling SO lazy all the time because all I want to do is sleep. I'm exhausted. My body is working to repair itself and that's rough. So when I don't want to go out, when I just want to sleep I feel like such a lazy lady. It's the worst.

10. Stress and tears. I cry. A lot. And I'm always stressed. If I go anywhere I have like 20 extra things to think through. I sometimes cry because I feel like burden, because I can't go running and clear my head, because I'm scared. Basically a lot of stress and a lot of tears go into the emotional process of healing.

I've learned a lot since being injured. I've learned to rely on people. I've learned to be served. I've learned that I'm not as strong as I always thought I was. I've learned that it's hard being different than others. I've learned that there is a lot I don't understand. Life isn't always as easy  as we wish it was. Sometimes crap happens that makes it really hard. That doesn't mean that we have to be crappy people or have bad attitudes because we can be happy. Let me say that again: throughout the worst times in our lives, WE CAN BE HAPPY. Yes I just listed 10 things I hate about being broken, but guess what, I'm still happy! I smile, I find joy and I keep going. That's because it's not the end of the world, it's a rough patch that I'll get through and become better because of.

Beauty From the Ashes

Today was an amazing day. Like one of those days where I just kind of sigh and think "Man, true happiness exists and it is this." There are many reasons why today was awesome, but the main one has to do with a building that I have personally been obsessed with for months now - The Provo City Center Temple.

In the third session of the dedication Elder Nelson talked about how this temple was an example to all of what happens when God takes something destroyed and makes something beautiful from it. He discussed the scripture in Isaiah that talks about how God will "give unto them beauty from ashes." That to me was absolutely amazing. It came right after a talk by Elder Whitney Clayton where he talked about the patience that went into planning, preparing, building, and readying the temple of the Lord. Elder Clayton related this to our lives.

For me, the reason I love this temple so very much is because it is a symbol of the Savior and his resurrection. I can't imagine what it must have been like for those who followed the Savior to watch his crucification and then resurrection. I love the gospel movies that show Mary and her surprise when she sees him in his resurrected form and her joy at knowing he was made whole again. To me, that is the same story of what has happened with the temple. It was a dark, sad day when the tabernacle burned. 3 and a half years later the temple stands as a symbol of light and love and beauty. For many it holds similar feelings of surprise at just how amazing it looks and how much joy it brings to everyone who sees it. It is am emblem of the Savior. Everything about the story of this temple leads us to the Savior, and in turn to God.

This temple is an example to me how God takes things that are so broken down or imperfect and creates beauty from them. It is an example of how after dark and lonely times, there is light. It is an example of giving all we can to serve the Lord. It is a connection between past and present. This building, now a dedicated house of the Lord, is a sign to me that God exists and that he wants us to understand his plan for our lives.

I am not from Utah Valley. I never even saw it when it was the tabernacle. Shoot - I don't even live in Provo. But, I do know that the Provo City Center Temple is truly the house of the Lord. I know that God can take us in a broken state and make us beautiful. I know that Christ was crucified and that he rose on the third day. I know that he lives.

Happiness truly is being able to feel of God's love and know that he cares. And that, is why today was so awesome. :)

A Little Piece of Heart

Sometimes I feel like I have a lot to say, and no where to say it all. This week has been one of those weeks. So, I thought I would write a blog. It's not really my style, but hey, it's a medium to get on my personal soapbox and share some thoughts, but more importantly I thought I would share a piece of my heart, so here it goes.

I have often heard people describe this time of life as the "decade of decisions." I agree with that. It is a time of life where we meet decisions that need to be made. I would like to add to that and say that it is a decade of change. Change is hard to do. No matter who you are, it takes effort to change. It takes time to change. It takes goals to change. So, the big question is, how do we change? What is it that drives us to become different? To act different? Maybe it's forced - forced from actions of others, forced from circumstances, forced from need.

Recently I have been trying to change a lot. Change my attitude, change my appearance, change my fitness level, change my financial status. I want to make sure my life is worthwhile. I want to make sure I leave a dent on the world. I want to make sure I am the best me I can be.

My change is motivated from a belief that there is something more - or it can be said, a faith that I can grow and become more that what I currently am and this faith, that is what has helped me make a difference.

A fish out of Water

Well, I recently got home from my mission. And as such is expected, I have many feelings. I often heard in my mission that "home life" would be different. That I would struggle adjusting. People made bets on how fast I would adjust, how quickly I would find "the one," how great my life would be, but what they never told me is exactly how it would be.

 As I dream I go back to those wonderful places. I see the faces of those I love there in the mission. It's almost as if I am there again. And yet, I wake to a foreign bed, alone, and not at 6:30 in the morning and I'm confused. Then it hits me. Reality. I am back. This IS my life. So, I say my prayers, explain to God where I have been, where I want to go and beg that during the day I can help someone. I go to exercise, trying to keep up that great mission schedule,  make breakfast get ready and study.

Now study time used to be my favorite but now it is hard. I have to turn off all the distractions, my cell phone, my Facebook, and find a quiet place to be. Not only that the topics are hard to find. Instead of focusing on how these scriptures will help me teach my investigators I have to learn to apply them to me. To find out what it is that God would like from me.

As I put myself to this task, I find a marked scripture and the memories come flooding back. A tear falls down my cheek as I look up and see the picture of them, the hardest investigator I had, standing in white. I remember the struggle. The many nights I was on my knees begging for them to understand and feel. I remember how it felt to watch them in white enter into the covenant of baptism. My tears turn into a smile as I look at the clock and see it is time to leave for class.

Walking down the street, I see so many happy faces and I just want to stop and contact and talk to them all. However, I must continue on my way. I get into class and a new person sits down next to me. They ask my name and almost as second nature I reach to show them my name tag. Only, it isn't there so I awkwardly say my first name, explain that I have recently got back from my mission and hear the question "did you like it?" I sit and think for a second. Do I answer short with a simple "yes." Or do I explain to them how deeply profound and sacred each experience is? I opt for the yes and then focus on what the teacher is saying. My mind begins to wander again as I see the clock and imagine what I would be doing if I were still there.

Next thing I know class is over and it is time to do homework. I sit down to read the assignment and I realize this does not interest me at all. That I would rather be learning about Jesus and the doctrine of the church. I try to refocus and get the assignment done in just enough time to go hang out with friends.

As I am with them I feel so strange. I missed them a lot. I told my companions all about the fun times we had together. Somehow it begins to seem as if being with them is a dream. It feels just like before and yet different. Have they changed or have I? The suggestions of "fun" that they have no longer interest me. Every conversation I have with them seems to include a story of a fun moment being chased by dogs, going somewhere cool on Pday or the jokes I played on my companions. There are new people there and I wonder, "Are the members? Active? How can the Gospel help them?" They talk about subjects, movies, songs, and experiences I know nothing about. I try to join the conversation, but don't know what to say without being that returned missionary that always talks about their mission. I opt to go home early and sit down on my bed. I have a Facebook message from someone I taught and begin to chat with them. They explain their gratitude and I feel so blessed to have been apart of their journey.

I sit down to read my scriptures again and imagine life in 5 or 10 years. Only the vision is blurry. Who will I be with? What will I be doing? Where will I be? All of these things are unsure. So, I pull out my patriarchal blessing and begin to cry. The mixed emotions of being home and missing the mission seem to collide. I kneel to pray and explain to God all that I feel. He tells me it will be okay. I remember my testimony. I remember that my mission was a training for my life. I receive hope. And then I fall asleep, peacefully dreaming of the future and the past waiting for a new day to begin where I will be living in the present.


Sound familiar? Maybe you just got back from a mission like me? Maybe you know someone who just got home and are wondering how to help them. Well, to be honest, I am not really sure how you can. It is a struggle. You are happy they are back, they are happy they are back, but they will never be able to forget how they felt to be there. They will never forget the wonderful people. So, how can you help them? Make them feel welcome here. In their new life. Allow them to recognize that you are there for them. That you love and care about them. Help them know that they are normal. That they have changed and that they have a great spirit.

Leaving for a mission is hard, but coming home from a mission may be harder. For 18 months or 2 years their life has been dedicated 100% to other people. They did not think about themselves, their future, or their needs hardly at all. Now, being back in the big old world, they feel like fish who has been taken out of water. Flopping around. Trying to find air. Trying to find some escape. Trying to find somewhere they fit in. If this fish does not get new water it will die. So help them. Love them. That is all they need.

Thoughts, Hopes, and Prayers for Newtown

I've had a lot to say in regards to the tragedy that happened today, so I decided to put all my thoughts down somewhere. Here seemed like a good spot. 

In Moroni chapter 8 verse 17, we learn that little children shall receive salvation in Christ. "And I am filled with acharity, which is everlasting love; wherefore, all children are alike unto me; wherefore, I love little children with a perfect love; and they are all alike and partakers of salvation." I know the children who lost their lives today are in the arms of Jesus.

 The lives of children are so precious. I work with elementary schoolers everyday and the thought of anything happening to any of them hurts my heart. I have only sincere empathy for the families affected and the community surrounding the school. In an effort to show that empathy I share my testimony that there is life after death. I know that you will be reunited with your beautiful children again. I know that the time here apart from them can and will be tough, but through prayer and sincere trust in the Lord's plan, you will be able to overcome that sorrow and return to a happy existence. 

On Monday, I participated in an active shooter training. I was briefed on what to do and how to react if something were to happen where I work. I find it frightening to think this could have been my work and I could have been the one responsible for the lives of children. Through this fear I find comfort in knowing I'm prepared. I am not saying teachers at this school were not, because I'm positive they were, it just makes me feel better knowing that because I am prepared, I do not have to fear. 

My last thought is one many of you might find strange. It is in regards to the man who decided to take the lives of these precious children this morning. I have heard many say they wish he were able to suffer more, or that he rots in hell, or is doomed to a miserable afterlife. They say he's full of evil and they cannot comprehend how he could be so cruel. I don't pretend to know any of those answers. I am not advocating that what he did was right. It was not. I can however, feel sorry for him. A man who so unjustly takes the lives of innocent children, his own mother, and then takes his own life must be tortured in some way. I am not saying he is insane or making up excuses, I'm certainly not justifying his acts, but I'm hoping we, as a nation and world, can remember the principle of forgiveness.

I think President Uchtdorf sums up my feelings towards this man in his talk about Mercy. He says, "Forgiving ourselves and others is not easy. In fact, for most of us it requires a major change in our attitude and way of thinking—even a change of heart. But there is good news. This “mighty change” of heart is exactly what the gospel ofJesus Christ is designed to bring into our lives.

How is it done? Through the love of God.

When our hearts are filled with the love of God, something good and pure happens to us. We “keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous. For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world.”

The more we allow the love of God to govern our minds and emotions—the more we allow our love for our Heavenly Father to swell within our hearts—the easier it is to love others with the pure love of Christ. As we open our hearts to the glowing dawn of the love of God, the darkness and cold of animosity and envy will eventually fade.

As always, Christ is our exemplar. In His teachings as in His life, He showed us the way. He forgave the wicked, the vulgar, and those who sought to hurt and to do Him harm.

Jesus said it is easy to love those who love us; even the wicked can do that. But Jesus Christ taught a higher law. His words echo through the centuries and are meant for us today. They are meant for all who desire to be His disciples. They are meant for you and me: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”

When our hearts are filled with the love of God, we become “kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving [each other], even as God for Christ’s sake [forgave us].”

The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine. Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other." 

Christ forgave the meanest and most evil seeming of men. He even forgave those who hung him on a cross to die. As I say my prayers before bed tonight, I'm praying not only for the comfort and support for those families, but for the man who took their lives. Through the mercy of Christ I'm forgiven daily and that same mercy can be shown to all. It's my heavenly fathers place to judge and I know the punishment that will be given to this man will be just. 

Some may read this and think I'm choosing that mans side. Some may think I don't realize just how terrible the grief these families feel is. Some might even say I'm overly optimistic and blinded by religion. To these comments I say one thing: I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan that makes tragedies like these make sense. I know those sweet children are now in Heaven with Christ. I know that through the Mercy of Christ justice for this man's sins will be met. I know that these families will once again be reunited. I have faith that even though there is bad in the world today and life can be cut short by so many tragedies and in so many ways, faith in Christ will get us through. 

This is a time for us to band together. This is a time for America to say "we are ONE nation under God" this is a time to turn to prayer and service and spread the love of God to all. This is a time to mourn and grieve but most importantly it's a time to overcome. 

El Campo Esta Blanco: Mision Peru Lima Este

Title Translation: The field is white, Peru Lima East Mission.

Well, I better crank out my Spanish books and start reviewing because pretty soon Spanish will be all I speak! I'm really really stoked. I will be serving a mission in Lima Peru in the East mission. I leave January 9th for the Provo MTC where I will learn the basics of Spanish and teaching and then go into the CCM which is an abbreviation for Centro Capacitacional Misonal. This is the equivalent of the MTC, but quite a smaller operation and a much more of an immersion into the culture and language. 

I am SO excited!

Anyways, A lot has happened in the past month or so of my life. First, my best pal got a mission call. He's going to Russia! Right now he's in the MTC and doing great! Woot! I got my call! [PERU!!!] And I leave in 69 days! My job changed and I now work less hours and more front desk. I've visited Logan twice, the last time being where I said goodbye to Logan... (sorta... I might sneak another visit in...maybe) Then I got in my FIRST car accident. It wasn't a big dealio, but the story is crazy! (this happened back in September) First I had been awake since like 2:30 in the morning. I had to catch an early flight to Vegas (early meaning I got here at 6:30 am.) I had to work at 8:30, so I made sure to get a shower. I skipped breakfast because I felt like I should leave for work early. I left about 20 minutes early. On my way to work I ran into the back of someone. This lady was so sweet. She didn't speak English and I'm not 100% sure she even understood what was happening but she chose to just walk away and we parted ways. I was so  relieved. She even told me it would be okay and that I should have a good day. The lord works in mysterious ways.

I also went through the temple. What a neat thing that was! I love that place! It's SO amazing. Those of you who are working on being able to go through the temple, continue that trek. You won't regret it. I also finished teaching the new member lessons to the Gonzalez family! They are SO sweet. Every time one of them gets up to bear their testimony in church I just feel happy inside. I also started teaching another family in my ward. They have a  5 year old girl who is so full of energy! Every lesson she sits on my lap and plays with my scriptures. She is smart too and is learning about Jesus! I just love missionary work. I can't wait to get out there and serve!

I have always loved holidays, but I feel like I like them a bit more this year. Maybe it's because I need a distraction so I don't get too anxious, but I really love them! I am so glad I get to spend this season with my family!

Life is good my friends, life is good! :)

Addie and the Castle

This is a short story I wrote the other night just for the sake of writing. It has some metaphorical meaning to it. If you look hard enough I'm sure you could find them! :)

Once upon a land in a time not so far away a sweet little girl named Addie was talking to her dad. In their conversation the topic of being special came up. Addie asked, "Daddy what makes me special?" Her dad took her in his arms, looked into those bright, beautiful eyes and said, "Addie, you are special because you like to smile, you are adorable, you are determined, but Addie, you are the most special because you are a princess." Addie smiled real big and gave her daddy a hug. Then her daddy looked at her and said, "Addie, I'm going to send you away for a little bit now. It's time you learned some lessons and this is the plan for you to do learn those and be the best person you can be. It might not be the easiest plan and there may be times where you feel as if you are completely alone, but you must always remember you are a princess."
   
Addie was afraid and excited to follow this plan and learn these lessons. she didn't really know what to expect but as she went away she was optimistic. As her journey progressed and it got a bit harder, she met wonderful people. There were also a lot of bad things that happened. Addie began to forget who she was and the things her father told her. Every once in a while she did remember and the wonderful people helped her a lot too. The thing that helped her remember the most was the building that looked like a castle. She often went to the castle to be reminded of her identity of princess, but before entering the castle she had to meet some requirements and reach a certain point where she was ready. Addie worked hard to be able to enter. Finally the day came.

Some of those wonderful people were there with her. They continued to support and encourage her. She entered the castle and was amazed at the beauty of it. She felt so happy and felt peace about everything that she had questioned. She was also told that she would be able to meet the king. As she continued further into the castle she was filled with excitement a bit of nerves. Finally it was time. She stepped into where the king was and tears filled her eyes. Standing in front of her was her father. She ran to hug him and continued to cry remembering all that he had told her. He softly pushed her back and looked into her eyes and said with love that only a father can, "I knew you could make it. I am so proud of you, my princess."

Addie remained in the castle with her father from then on. She loved being able to always remember the princess that she is and she was SO happy to be in the place where she was meant to be. Even though she was truly happy in the castle, she didn't forget the struggles. The things she learned helped her. They lead her to appreciate the beauty of the castle. Addie spent her time from then on reminding everyone she came in contact with that they too could be a princess. She was often seen helping those around her who were having a hard time, lifting them up knowing that one day, they might have the opportunity to enter into this castle and feel the way she feels. Addie's journey was tough, but the lessons she learned were worth it.

Never forget who you are. Never forget where you come from. Just like Addie you too are royalty. Life is meant to be tough. There are things all around that cause us to forget who we are and what our end goal is, but when we remember- when we truly are able to be reminded of this divine nature, that is when we are happiest.

Always remember who you are. No matter where you are in life right now, someone out there loves you. Remember that and everything else will fall into place. And, as always, keep smiling. :)

Here's to You!

Doctrine and Covenants 121:9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and Friendly hands.

So I just got back from a wonderful venture to Logan and I just have a really happy heart right now! Yesterday I was sitting in a car with 3 really awesome people waiting for a fourth awesome person to come play and all the sudden I just needed to go for a walk. That sounds super funny, and I really wasn't sure what was making me feel the need to walk but I got out and ventured down a cute little road in Hyde Park. As I was on this road walking I began to cry. Not sad tears but happy tears. I didn't really know what was happening because I've never just cried from being so happy. Then the scripture at the top of this post popped into my head, I read it the other day while studying about the priesthood and Joseph Smith and I just felt so great inside. The lord put great people in my life. Amazing friends I used to only dream about. I've never felt what I felt yesterday, a sense of belonging, a sense of mutual caring, and a sense of true grattitude and love for the people around me. I wish I could find the words to describe this level of feeling, but I can't. I only know one thing, there will always be people out there you bond with. People who get your quirky sense of humor. Who are okay with you being yourself and who will always stand by you with warm hearts and friendly hands. So here's to you friends! Thanks for an awesome weekend, for letting me be myself, and for being there when I need you, even when you don't know I do! :)

Find friends like the ones I have and I can guarantee there will never be a frown on your face, it will always be a smile! :)

Back on the Bike: Getting to the Temple

So you know those days where nothing seems to be going your way? Days where the vacation you planned gets cut in half and the job you thought would last you a few more months is ending in two weeks? Today was one of those days for me. Is there anything you do on days like this where it just seems impossible to be happy and remain positive? For me I try to clear my head. I do that lots of different ways and today I went on a bike ride. You see, I'm preparing to serve a mission and one of the suggestions my bishop gave me was to ride my bike more. So, today after relaxing a bit after work I decided to ride to the temple. It's about a 5 mile ride from my house and uphill most of the way. I started out and noticed it was getting stormy. There was a breeze and I was excited it wouldn't be so hot. I took my brother's bike today and after I got started I realized the gears don't work. [for those of you not familiar with bike riding, switching gears, especially when you are going to be going uphill is important for a smoother ride] After realizing this ride would be a bit harder than a normal one I had a decision to make. I could keep going with my original goal of getting to the temple, or I could shorten the ride and go home. Normally I would have just gone home after a shorter ride, but this ride was different. It was different because I had a goal in mind.

Halfway through the ride an analogy of life came to my mind. It was something that kept me going and helped me put things in perspective. I began to liken my bike ride to life. In life our goal is getting to the temple. We live worthy so that we can be blessed by blessings that happen there. The goal for my bike ride was the temple. As I began the ride I was so excited. It was one of the longest rides I've done and it had been awhile since I had ridden. It felt good to push the pedals and move closer to the goal. I got to the park by my house and began the first hill of the journey. This is where I realized the gears on my bike were broken. With each push of the pedal I could feel the resistance of the bike. Since I was just starting out it wasn't too hard just yet. I got to the top of the hill and made the turn onto a busy street. I kept going down this street and was concerned with the upcoming intersection. I didn't want to wait for the crosswalk so I began to cross. As I was about to go into the street a car rushed past me. I decided that going to the crosswalk was probably a better idea. This reminded me of the times in life where your plans don't match up with the Savior's. I wanted to cross not in the crosswalk, but there was an unseen danger. Sometimes the lord sees what we don't and we need to follow his plans instead of ours!

I continued on my journey. I won't say it was the easiest. In fact, I walked my bike a few times because of the extreme wind and steep hills, but as I rounded that last corner and I watched the sunset from next to the temple I felt so great. I was amazed by how it felt for me to reach my goal. I was so happy to be there that I didn't want to leave. That's what being at the temple brings. It brings so much happiness and joy. That's what reaching our goals bring. As I was riding home, I watched as lightening periodically hit all around the valley. It was beautiful. This ride really made me happy and I definitely enjoyed it.

There are so many times in life where it's just so hard for a positive attitude to remain in tact. It's hard for us to see our goal and really truly follow a path that will get us there but we need to focus on the things that really matter. We need to remember that we do have a goal and the path to getting there isn't necessarily ours, but when we trust that the path is right it will get us there. Riding my bike to the temple helped me to clear my head and realize what's really important. So, take away from this post? We don't always have control over the situation at hand. Sometimes we just have to make sure that we trust in our Savior and realize that it will be okay in the end. I hope everyone can find something that clears their head and makes them happy on a bad day. Remember that it will all be okay in the end, but most importantly, remember that no one likes a frowny face so change it to a smile, and I promise it will all get better.

Passion is Contagious

Lately I have been thinking a lot about passion. What are you passionate about? What is passion? How do you create passion? Is passion all consuming, where there is one passion that allows others to fit into it, or is it made up of a bunch of different passions that don't really connect but lead to an overall goal? How do you determine if you are really passionate or if you are borrowing someone else's passion? When you lose your passion for something, is it just lost? Or can you get it back? Passion is an interesting thing. And interesting concepts come with it.

Recently I completed a 6 week leadership development program. It was really enlightening for me to see and I enjoyed all the material I learned a lot. One of things that was taught ties nicely into passion. It's the Hedgehog vs Fox concept.

Here's an excerpt from an email from Brice Colby; my adviser who was teaching the program:

        "The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing. The fox is a cunning creature, able to devise a myriad of complex strategies for sneak attacks upon the hedgehog. Day in and day out, the fox circles around the hedgehog's den, waiting for the prefect moment to pounce. Fast, sleek, beautiful, fleet of foot, and crafty - the fox looks like the sure winner. The hedgehog, on the other hand, is a dowdier creature, looking like a genetic mix-up between a porcupine and a small armadillo. He waddles along, going about his simple day, searching for lunch and taking care of his home.

The fox waits in cunning silence at the juncture in the trail. The hedgehog, minding his own business, wanders right into the path of the fox. 'Aha, I've got you now!' thinks the fox. He leaps out, bounding across the ground, lightning fast. The littlehedgehog, sensing danger, looks up and thinks, 'Here we go again. Will he ever learn?' Rolling up into a perfect little ball, the hedgehog becomes a sphere of sharp spikes, pointing outward in all directions. The fox, bounding toward his prey, sees the hedgehog defense and calls off the attack. Each day, some version of this battle between the hedgehog and the fox takes place, and despite the greater cunning of the fox, the hedgehog always wins."

    If you remember the Squid part of the Squid and Trees theory, it's much similar to this battle between the fox      and the hedgehog. This defines how people operate in the world. Are you a fox that pursues many ends at the same time and see the world in all its complexity, never integrating your thinking into one overall concept or unifying vision? Or are you a hedgehog who simplifies a complex world into a single organizing idea, a basic principle or concept that unifies and guides everything? 

This ties in with passion because that concept you come up with, or the complexities you see all tie into your passion. In fact, one of the questions used to discover what your overall hedgehog or fox concept is is "What are you most passionate about?" 

Passion is what drives us. It's what gives us a competitive edge and the motivation to keep on going. It's the reason we are what we are and do what we do. Often times we have passions that are kept secret. In fact, until recently, I used to keep my dream in life, my greatest passion, hidden. I didn't like to tell people because I was afraid. I was afraid they wouldn't see what I really wanted to do. I was afraid they would discredit the idea and I was afraid they would laugh if I ended up failing. 

I was afraid until I watched this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft9ZnQkb8zw&list=PL95ED4A7B454DF7E9&index=6&feature=plpp_video

In this video Blake says "We all have a dream between our ears. And most of those dreams stay there because we are paralyzed by fear. The cure for fear is passion. And passion is contagious. So own it!" 

That's what I have to say about passion. Passion IS contagious. After I watched this video I sat and made a list. I listed all of my passions. I listed things I want to do in life and the goals that accompany them. I wrote out my passions. Then I talked about them. Not all at once and not with tons of confidence, but I did share. I still share. In fact, on Tuesday I was talking to people about my passions and I realized I had been talking for far longer than anyone else. Sharing passions is a great thing. Find a friend that you trust and let them know your passions and then, ask them what theirs are! Passion is contagious. It is something that other people will pick up on. 

So here's the take home from this blog. Tell people about your dreams. Figure out your hedgehog and move forward! Continue finding passions and motivating others! Don't ever, ever let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. If you have the passion, if you have the desire, go for it! Passion is contagious. Share yours! 

And do it with a smile, because after all, no one likes a frowny face! 

Passion is Contagious

Recently the thing that has been on my mind is passion. What is passion? How do you find it? What am I passionate about?

I have spent so many hours this week thinking about that. Thinking about the answers to these questions and wondering how I can make them all work to create the best outcomes in my life. First I decided to look up the definition of passion. According to definition.net, passion is many different things, but the definition that fits my purposes the most is "a strong fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for something" So, the next logical step was to figure out what my passions are. To do this I started out by listing passions. Things that I had a "strong fondness" for. I came up with a few things. Family,

Things that make me happy:

Well folks, I have been so blessed in life recently, that I decided to write about ALL the wonderful things going on. The things that make me happy! :) I know this list will never be complete, but here's the ones that are on my mind right now: 

Birds chirping

sunshine

dresses

Five Finger (toe) shoes

Area Government

Living on Campus

My roommates

My mom

Highlighters

Learned optimism

Missionaries

More specifically, the Elders in my area

Being a friend

Ping Pong

Taco Bell

Friday Nights

Saturdays 

Video Games

Music

Guitars

Having friends who can play the guitar

The Scriptures

Snow [it's cold, and wet, but magical]

Pandora

YouTube

My fish. 

Those cool machines that give you toys after you put quarters in

Nerf Swords

Friends who will have a sword fight with me 

Star Wars

Harry Potter

Cheesy Cheesy jokes

Cheesy sayings

All around Cheesiness

Funny jokes

Laughter from babies

Laughter from friends

The kind of laughter that makes it hard for you to breathe

Ties and the many cool ways you can tie them

Interesting classes in School

Plans for the future

Taking over the world ;) 

Being apart of something

Having friends who understand you

Being able to laugh at yourself

Feet. [not a creeper, but if I didn't have feet I couldn't go barefoot]

being barefoot

Big jackets and sweats

The way boys smell when you hug them. 

Hugs. 

Lactose free milk

Zumba

Yoga

Frisbee

Tall people who make you work harder in Frisbee

Being challenged

Toys

Accents

Sundays

The temple

SUNSHINE

Dogs

Getting asked if my feet are cold

Friends. 

San Juan 102 apartment

Personality tests

Leadership

Love

Family

Life

The fact that I woke up this morning

Smiling

Trees

Dinosaurs

Pirates

Zombies

Trucks

Now, Like I said I cannot list everything that makes me happy, but these are the things on my mind right now. Make a list of what makes you happy. When I am in a bad mood I try to do this mentally because just the thoughts can bring so many good things with them I usually start to feel better! :) I hope you find joy in the little things and always remember, No one likes a frowny face- change it to a smile! :)

It's All How You Look At It

Recently I have learned and re-learned a very important lesson. This lesson is that it's all how you look at it. Perspective is a very useful tool. It can make or break you. I have come to realize that our thoughts direct a great amount of our behavior. I don't know why it took so long for this connection to sink in, but think about it. How many times have you thought, "Well they won't like me so why should I talk to them?" This is not only a thought that leads to judging someone else, but also yourself. Recently I have been going through a leadership training of sorts and have really started to make an effort to think about what I am thinking about. Often times we see people as objects. And often times it is with out meaning to. How many times have you passed someone on the street and judged them without even thinking about it? It happens a lot, but when we make a conscious effort to try and see people as people the world around you begins to change. Your relationships become more meaningful, you see yourself differently, and life is just happier.
Onto a related, but different subject. Changing the way you see yourself and view the world. Recently I have been reading a book titled Learned Optimism. This book is all about how by changing your thoughts and the way that you explain things you can change your life. At first I thought it was all a bunch of gobbly psych gook, but then I thought about it and really began to try it. I noticed when I was saying something that sounded a tad pessimistic and I changed that. I noticed when I was aware of what I was thinking and making an effort to think in a more optimistic way I was more optimistic.
As I have said before in this blog, I often get asked why I am so happy, or how do I always have a smile on my face. As I have recently truly began to think of the reason why I seem to be always happy is because I rarely let myself be sad. I try not to allow negative thoughts into my brain. If I find that I have had a particularly bad day and am feeling down, I surround myself with things that make me happy. I try my hardest to be happy and change my thoughts and then I am. It's really a wonderful thing. Now, don't get me wrong, there are PLENTY of days where I am not the happiest kid on the playground, but the fact is I try. I make a conscious effort to monitor my thoughts and make sure they are aligned with the attitude I want to have and then I do it.
So, what's the message here? Thoughts matter. The way you see things effects the way that your life is. Think about what you are thinking about. Treat people like people, and of course remember to smile, because no one likes a frowny face! :)

No One Likes a Frowny Face!

Well it's been a while. Too long if you ask me. That's just what happens when life gets busy, and oh boy is it busy! This past week I have had little to no free time and next week is about the same. A lot of people call me crazy for how busy my life is but they don't realize how much I love it. See, I have this theory. It doesn't have a name or anything, but I think it's the secret to happiness. That's right, I am going to tell you the secret to happiness, so listen close! 

 In my life I have been helped so much by other people. I have seen so many people sacrifice their time to do things for me, and I finally feel like I have the ability to give back. How did I do this? By getting involved. I found places at my university where I could see change happen. Where I could do things that mean something.It may only be a few organizations I am involved with but I feel needed. I feel valued and I feel like I can make a difference. These organizations may take up my time but they never make me sad. I am willing to be apart of them. I am willing to spend 8 or more hours in a day doing things for these organizations. Why? Because they make me happy and I know I will never regret the work I do with them, only look forward knowing the path behind me is filled with deeds of good work and good will.

In the times I am not working for these different organizations I am in, I am spending my time with wonderful people. I re-learned a lesson a little bit ago about meaningful friendships. Notice how I said meaningful and not "best" friendships. I think the term "best friends" is a terrible term. I don't think it fully implies what a friendship is. I can be "best" friends with someone and not even know their birthday with today's version of the term. It's overused, and almost meaningless in my opinion. It is practically the opposite of what I want to talk about; meaningful friendships. In my opinion, a meaningful friendship is a friendship where both people are valued. You care for each other, look out for each other, and spend time with each other. Let me give you a few examples of the meaningful friendships in my life. I have one friend who is always there for me. She listens to me complain, she laughs when I am so not funny, and she lets me use her shoulder to cry on when I need to. She is one very great person and I know that I can always count on her to be there. That, to me, has meaning. The next is a friend who is always listening to me. I don't know how many times I have been in a group where so many people have been talking and I try to say something and no one hears. This always makes me feel ignored and overlooked, but this friend of mine never does. He will always go back to what I said, or let me know that he heard me and was listening. It's this small validation of importance that gives a meaningful dimension to our friendship. As both of these friends show their care for me, I try to do the same for them, and that is a definition of a meaningful friendship.

 Life is good. It really is. There are so many things that can get you down. So many things that will try to tear you down, but you cannot let them. You cannot let sadness seep into your eyes. You cannot let the weight of the world bog you down. So, back to that secret. Are you ready? It's gonna be big! In order to remain happy you have to be happy. So do it. Go find what you enjoy. For me it's giving back and meaningful friends. For you it may be music and cheese. All I know is that when we find those things that make us truly happy we begin to shine from the inside out. And when we shine form the inside out we are being the best people we can be. If you were to ask me if I was happy, I could honestly say I am. I have a wonderful life filled with the things I love to do and that is all anyone can ask for. 

So, now that you know the secret, give happiness a try. Find the things you love to do and let them fill your life. By staying busy doing things that you love, you will never go without a smile. That is my wish for you because, after all, no one likes a frowny face! :)

Dear Santa....

I am 20 years old. Most people stop believing in Santa by now. They quit thinking the man in the big red suit is real and start worrying about what to get other people and what they are going to get. I, however, am not one of those people. I still believe in Santa. Which is why I just wrote him a letter. Normally my letters to Santa are all about what I want and possessions I need, but this year I wrote about something different I wrote a wish. A wish that I won't share due to it's personal nature, but I firmly believe this wish will be granted. The idea I am trying to get at is never stop believing in magic! Sure, it may seem childish to some but to me that's what keeps us from becoming robots. Beliefs keep us rooted while also allowing us to fly. Magic keeps us believing. It keeps us young. So believe. Believe in the joy of Santa. Belief in his elves and his workshop. Just believe! 

This has become one of my new favorite songs. I think it really embodies the spirit of Santa and what he can do. It is also a tribute to the troops who so valiantly fight for our freedom and sacrifice holidays away from their families to spend that time fighting. I have a brother in the Air Force who, luckily, gets to be home with his family and us for Christmas. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5leMiif4pM&feature=related Enjoy the song! :) It makes me cry (in a good way) every time I watch it. 

So, I guess what I want you to take out this is never stop believing. Don't lose the magic so many people call childish. Write a letter to Santa. Wish for worthwhile things and never be afraid to believe! 

Share a Christmas smile, after all, no one lies a frowny face! :) 

Your "Sole" Mate

So, after talking about relationships, I decided to make a metaphor about shoes... I know this may sound silly (I just woke up so don't judge me) I hate that everyone complains about not finding someone. First, have some patience! Maybe that's not what is supposed to happen in your life! Calm down, forget about searching and someone will come along. It takes time!
Anyways, back to the metaphor. So this is WAY cheesed up, but believe me it makes sense. Think about shoes. Some people like certain types of shoes and only wear them. Others have their favorite types. Think about it. You know someone who only wears their TOMS or only wears flip-flops, or loves their one pair of shoes. Some people like multiple types of shoes or have more than one favorite. Some people even dislike wearing shoes! (that's me) Now you have an idea of how much shoes are important  let me tell you how they relate to relationships. Each of us have a pair of shoes that we love, or a style of shoes that we love. This is like that "right" person we all look for and talk about. We have worn shoes our entire life. Some people find the type of shoes they love and want to wear the rest of their life early. Some people find them later. Some people don't ever find them. Life was not meant for us to be equal. It was not made for everyone to have the same experiences. It's okay that you haven't found "the one" yet. It's okay that you're getting your heart broken. Cheer up! The right person is out there for you. The important thing is that you are trying on different types of shoes to find the one you like the best. Your "Sole" mate is out there, so keep on looking. You'll find them!

No one likes a frowny face, change it to a smile (you get more dates if you smile)

LOVE YOURSELF.

You know what I think is the hardest thing in life? Loving yourself. Some people may disagree with me but there are a whole lot more that will agree. I can honestly say that I love myself. Why and how I came to love myself can be discussed at a later date. Through this process of learning to love myself there are a few things in life that I have learned. A few things that have kept me going when I really didn't feel like I was worth loving myself. Those times when life gets you down all you need is a little pick me up. So take this exercise and do it. It may seem dumb at first, silly, dorky, cheesy if you will, but I PROMISE (I don't break promises) that if you do it you will begin to love yourself more. Start by looking in the mirror. Naturally people find things they dislike when they look in the mirror. Well not you! You are going to say that you can do it. You are going to pick things you like about yourself. You are going to build yourself up. I won't lie this is gonna be hard at first. Real hard. Especially if you have spent so much time looking in that mirror and saying things you dislike. Start with your appearance and move inward. Start with one thing and move to five or more. I promise that by doing this you will begin to love yourself. It will change your life. Do it. Please. Just try!

Still not sure of the process? Here's a video to show you just exactly what it should look like! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg

Remember, the greatest thing about you is your smile! So turn that frown upside down and let the world see the beauty you bring to it! :)

Happy Happy Joy Joy! - Attitude makes all the difference

What makes you happy? I mean really truly makes you happy? I'm not talking happy that lasts 5 minute happy, I am talking genuine, long-lasting happy. Happiness that can take years to build. Happiness that lasts a long time. Happiness that leaves you with a smile that just won't go away. Can't think of anything? That's alright. This happiness can be hard to come by, or it can be the easiest thing to find. It all depends on you. That's right you. You are in control of your life. You are the only one that can determine your attitude. Think about it. Say you are in a giant crowd walking around with a milkshake in your hand. You slip on the ground and fall and spill milkshake all over you. Everyone within a 20 foot radius can see this and about 57 people start busting out in laughter at your expense. Now, there are two things you can do in this situation. The first is to be upset, get bent out of shape and be embarrassed. The second is stand up, laugh it off, and move forward knowing you put a smile on those people's faces. Your attitude just determined the outcome of that event and your happiness level. The person who can learn to laugh it off and turn the situation into something positive is the person who is probably most successful in life. It's a skill that is hard to learn. Real hard to learn, but once mastered can make all the difference in a happy life and one that well, just isn't full of enjoyment. Anyways... let's go back to happiness. What makes you truly happy? If you don't have an answer to this go find one! It's okay to have more than one thing that makes you happy. Shoot, I've got a list a mile long. Right now, the thing that makes me happy is people. People are awesome. Especially people who know you and who say things that just make your day. I certainly have a whole lot of people like this in my life and I am glad that I do.
So this blog's been kind of all over the place, but the things to take out of it are check your attitude. Like I said earlier, your attitude can change your life so make sure it's positive and the outcome of any situation will be changed in a happy way! Second take away is find what makes you happy and be happy. Truly truly happy. As always, no one likes a frowny face, so change it to a smile. :)