1, 2, & 3 - Here's what's been going on with me

Life has been a full bucket of challenges recently. Working full-time, going to grad school full-time, and living hundreds of miles away from advisers and peers has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I wake up early, work hard until I finally finish all I need to do for the day and fall asleep. I try to sprinkle in moments I can spend with friends, usually a few hours between getting off work and taking tests or writing papers. It's a lot to take on and pretty much everyday I ask myself why I chose this path. Why did I decide to move so far away from familiarity? Why did I agree to a  full-time, 40+ hours a week, job? Why am I crazy? I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I don't know why I am here. I just don't. But there are three things I do know. 1. God is real and He is aware of me. 2. Progress doesn't come in the midst of comfort. 3. Walking with your eyes closed gets you farther than you think.

Let me expound on those thoughts:
1 - I know that God is real. I know that he is completely aware of me. I have spent many hours down on my knees asking, pleading, chatting, laughing, and crying with God. I don't know how it all works together - agency, guidance, and God's omniscient state of knowing everything; but I do know that He has been guiding me this entire time. I have felt His spirit and been comforted as I have made decisions that have lead me to where I am now. He wants the best for me, and we are working together to achieve the common goal of eternal happiness.

2 - Progress doesn't come in the midst of comfort. When I think about this, I think about babies. Have you ever watched as a baby learns a new skill? Have you seen the struggle in their eyes as they figure out what they need to do to control their body and make it work? Have you heard them cry and seen a parent step back for a second and watch them struggle until they figure it out? It's hard sometimes to stand back and watch as this baby cries and tries to find comfort in this new skill, but letting them figure it out allows them to progress. Life is about progressing. It is about learning and growing and becoming. But, the thing about life, is that none of that progression comes easy. It takes work, it takes time, and it takes getting out of your comfort zone to do it. Right now, I am really far out of my comfort zone. I always have a plan and I rarely do anything unless I am sure of the outcome. I calculate my decisions, think them over with various scenarios, multiple times, and don't usually let myself be in a situation where I do not feel in control. That is my comfort zone. When I feel I don't have control, or I don't know where I am going or what I am doing, I freak out a bit (or a lot) and it feels like I'm in a tailspin until I can find that control again. But, progress doesn't come in comfort zones, and so here I am. No plan, no control, just sorta riding it out and learning A LOT about myself, about life, and about God's eternal plan for me.

3 - Walking with your eyes closed gets you farther than you think. So, I'm kind of weird and I really like to do this thing where I shut my eyes and walk. Most people don't notice it, in fact, even people I spend a lot of time with have never noticed that occasionally I have my eyes closed and am relying on their voice and steps to guide me to where I need to be. Like I said, it's super weird, but I think it is a really telling exercise. You find out a lot about yourself, the relationship with the person you are walking with, and the environment around you. My favorite part though, is seeing how far I've come when I finally open my eyes. It never fails that when I open my eyes, even if it feels like I've only gone a little bit, I am always farther than where I think I am. That's kind of like life right now. I feel like I've been walking with my eyes closed, relying on God and others to help me get to where I need to be. I know that eventually I will open my eyes, look around and see I am farther than I ever thought I would be. It's okay to close your eyes and rely on someone else. I think that's one of the biggest lessons we can learn in this life - to let go of what we know and let someone else step in to help us. Although it is a little scary to be (metaphorically) walking with my eyes closed, I know one day I will open them and realize I am farther along than I ever would be on my own.

Concluding my thoughts for today is a talk by Elder Rasband entitled "By Divine Design."
I have listened to this talk more times than I can count. It has been so helpful in my life as I have taken the time to really focus on what is being said. This quote is by far my favorite -

"What are God’s miracles that remind you that He is close, saying, “I am right here”? Think of those times, some daily, when the Lord has acted in your life—and then acted again. Treasure them as moments the Lord has shown confidence in you and in your choices. But allow Him to make more of you than you can make of yourself on your own. Treasure His involvement."

Remember that when it seems like all direction and understanding is gone, if we look for God's great miracles - big and small- we can realize we are closer to His path than ever before; and that will always put a smile on my face.