1, 2, & 3 - Here's what's been going on with me

Life has been a full bucket of challenges recently. Working full-time, going to grad school full-time, and living hundreds of miles away from advisers and peers has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I wake up early, work hard until I finally finish all I need to do for the day and fall asleep. I try to sprinkle in moments I can spend with friends, usually a few hours between getting off work and taking tests or writing papers. It's a lot to take on and pretty much everyday I ask myself why I chose this path. Why did I decide to move so far away from familiarity? Why did I agree to a  full-time, 40+ hours a week, job? Why am I crazy? I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I don't know why I am here. I just don't. But there are three things I do know. 1. God is real and He is aware of me. 2. Progress doesn't come in the midst of comfort. 3. Walking with your eyes closed gets you farther than you think.

Let me expound on those thoughts:
1 - I know that God is real. I know that he is completely aware of me. I have spent many hours down on my knees asking, pleading, chatting, laughing, and crying with God. I don't know how it all works together - agency, guidance, and God's omniscient state of knowing everything; but I do know that He has been guiding me this entire time. I have felt His spirit and been comforted as I have made decisions that have lead me to where I am now. He wants the best for me, and we are working together to achieve the common goal of eternal happiness.

2 - Progress doesn't come in the midst of comfort. When I think about this, I think about babies. Have you ever watched as a baby learns a new skill? Have you seen the struggle in their eyes as they figure out what they need to do to control their body and make it work? Have you heard them cry and seen a parent step back for a second and watch them struggle until they figure it out? It's hard sometimes to stand back and watch as this baby cries and tries to find comfort in this new skill, but letting them figure it out allows them to progress. Life is about progressing. It is about learning and growing and becoming. But, the thing about life, is that none of that progression comes easy. It takes work, it takes time, and it takes getting out of your comfort zone to do it. Right now, I am really far out of my comfort zone. I always have a plan and I rarely do anything unless I am sure of the outcome. I calculate my decisions, think them over with various scenarios, multiple times, and don't usually let myself be in a situation where I do not feel in control. That is my comfort zone. When I feel I don't have control, or I don't know where I am going or what I am doing, I freak out a bit (or a lot) and it feels like I'm in a tailspin until I can find that control again. But, progress doesn't come in comfort zones, and so here I am. No plan, no control, just sorta riding it out and learning A LOT about myself, about life, and about God's eternal plan for me.

3 - Walking with your eyes closed gets you farther than you think. So, I'm kind of weird and I really like to do this thing where I shut my eyes and walk. Most people don't notice it, in fact, even people I spend a lot of time with have never noticed that occasionally I have my eyes closed and am relying on their voice and steps to guide me to where I need to be. Like I said, it's super weird, but I think it is a really telling exercise. You find out a lot about yourself, the relationship with the person you are walking with, and the environment around you. My favorite part though, is seeing how far I've come when I finally open my eyes. It never fails that when I open my eyes, even if it feels like I've only gone a little bit, I am always farther than where I think I am. That's kind of like life right now. I feel like I've been walking with my eyes closed, relying on God and others to help me get to where I need to be. I know that eventually I will open my eyes, look around and see I am farther than I ever thought I would be. It's okay to close your eyes and rely on someone else. I think that's one of the biggest lessons we can learn in this life - to let go of what we know and let someone else step in to help us. Although it is a little scary to be (metaphorically) walking with my eyes closed, I know one day I will open them and realize I am farther along than I ever would be on my own.

Concluding my thoughts for today is a talk by Elder Rasband entitled "By Divine Design."
I have listened to this talk more times than I can count. It has been so helpful in my life as I have taken the time to really focus on what is being said. This quote is by far my favorite -

"What are God’s miracles that remind you that He is close, saying, “I am right here”? Think of those times, some daily, when the Lord has acted in your life—and then acted again. Treasure them as moments the Lord has shown confidence in you and in your choices. But allow Him to make more of you than you can make of yourself on your own. Treasure His involvement."

Remember that when it seems like all direction and understanding is gone, if we look for God's great miracles - big and small- we can realize we are closer to His path than ever before; and that will always put a smile on my face.

HAPPY Valentine's Day!

Guys. Let's talk about how Valentine's Day gets a lot of flack. Some people really hate it. Some people really love it. Some people spend the day eating chocolate. And some people don't even acknowledge the day exists. To many (including my very single self) it is a reminder that there isn't someone by your side. In fact, some people have even changed the name to call it Single Awareness Day, or SAD. And you know what that makes me? Sad.

This is actually the first Valentine's Day that I have really enjoyed! That isn't because I have a boyfriend, fiance, or dog, but it's because I realized something recently - it's okay to be alone! There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone means that there isn't a person by your side. Being lonely means that you are sad about that. I mean, I get it. I have been alone for a really long time, and I will admit for a large part of that time I have been lonely, but honestly, there isn't a reason why being alone should make you lonely. Especially on Valentine's Day! This day is all about love! And love exists whether you are single or in a relationship. So go love someone. Love yourself, love your family, love your friends, love your neighbors, and love the random guy riding his bike down the road (side note: I yelled "Happy Valentine's Day" out the window at someone today and I think they were really shocked and possibly frightened, but you know #YOLO)

When you focus on how much love is actually in your life instead of how much love you don't have (yet), your life changes. You will be happier and maybe, just maybe, you'll enjoy this lovely day meant to celebrate all the love in the world quite a bit more!

"Put a smile on your kisser and someone might but a kiss on your smiler!"

#NoOneLikesAFrownyFace

Diary of a Gimpy Kid

So,  I have been broken now for about 3 weeks. I've been pretty positive about the whole situation, but sometimes it's really hard. I felt like I should finally write something about how I'm really doing not just the positive moments. So here's a list of the worst things about being broken.

1. Not being able to walk. I'm a hiker. I hiked almost every weekend of the summer. I love being outside and walking around in the trees and mountains. I also walk to relieve stress. Now, I can't just get out of my head and go for a walk to clear my mind. I can't even  get things for myself, move around freely and go upstairs.

2. Stairs. Let's talk for a bit about how stairs are literally of the devil. I live in a basement. I work in a basement. Not gonna lie, I hate, HATE stairs now. Yes, there are railings, yes you can help me, yes there are elevators and crutches and so many ways to get me places but you have NO idea how much effort it takes just to get up on stair let alone a whole flight of them. I have literally crawled up and down the stairs just as pathetic looking as you can imagine because that's easier than hopping and jumping and working and yeah.

3. Not being able to drive. I love driving. I like getting out and drive to the sore and go shopping and driving through the mountains and just being able to take myself where I need to go. Having that taken away has been one of the hardest things ever.

4. Sympathy. This isn't a bad thing or a bash against people but for reals when you look at me with eyes that say "what a terrible thing, I'm so sorry." And then treat me like I just found out everyone in the world just died and I'm about 5 minutes away from dying myself, that just makes things worse.

5. On the other hand, apathy. I DO have a broken foot. I can't do a lot of things anymore and even some things I can do take so much effort it's easier for me to just ask you for help. I appreciate that you try and help me do things by myself, but if I ask for help, take 10 minutes longer or don't do what you think I can, please step in and help me out. I'm struggling and that's not easy.

6. Loss of independence. I've always been very independent. I don't like asking for help, relying on others, or feeling like I need someone else to survive. It's been really tough actually having to rely on people. Losing the feeling of being able to be independent is really rough.

7. Transportation devices: I mean it's 2016, why can't we teleport yet? Having to lug around my scooter, crutches, etc. is the worst. I want to just be able to get from point A. to point B. quickly and efficiently without pain.

8. Let's talk about the pain. I'm in constant pain. Yep. Constant. And it's not just my foot. Not being able to use one body part means that you have to learn to use the rest of them. Which, in turn, means my whole body aches.

9.  Feeling SO lazy all the time because all I want to do is sleep. I'm exhausted. My body is working to repair itself and that's rough. So when I don't want to go out, when I just want to sleep I feel like such a lazy lady. It's the worst.

10. Stress and tears. I cry. A lot. And I'm always stressed. If I go anywhere I have like 20 extra things to think through. I sometimes cry because I feel like burden, because I can't go running and clear my head, because I'm scared. Basically a lot of stress and a lot of tears go into the emotional process of healing.

I've learned a lot since being injured. I've learned to rely on people. I've learned to be served. I've learned that I'm not as strong as I always thought I was. I've learned that it's hard being different than others. I've learned that there is a lot I don't understand. Life isn't always as easy  as we wish it was. Sometimes crap happens that makes it really hard. That doesn't mean that we have to be crappy people or have bad attitudes because we can be happy. Let me say that again: throughout the worst times in our lives, WE CAN BE HAPPY. Yes I just listed 10 things I hate about being broken, but guess what, I'm still happy! I smile, I find joy and I keep going. That's because it's not the end of the world, it's a rough patch that I'll get through and become better because of.

Beauty From the Ashes

Today was an amazing day. Like one of those days where I just kind of sigh and think "Man, true happiness exists and it is this." There are many reasons why today was awesome, but the main one has to do with a building that I have personally been obsessed with for months now - The Provo City Center Temple.

In the third session of the dedication Elder Nelson talked about how this temple was an example to all of what happens when God takes something destroyed and makes something beautiful from it. He discussed the scripture in Isaiah that talks about how God will "give unto them beauty from ashes." That to me was absolutely amazing. It came right after a talk by Elder Whitney Clayton where he talked about the patience that went into planning, preparing, building, and readying the temple of the Lord. Elder Clayton related this to our lives.

For me, the reason I love this temple so very much is because it is a symbol of the Savior and his resurrection. I can't imagine what it must have been like for those who followed the Savior to watch his crucification and then resurrection. I love the gospel movies that show Mary and her surprise when she sees him in his resurrected form and her joy at knowing he was made whole again. To me, that is the same story of what has happened with the temple. It was a dark, sad day when the tabernacle burned. 3 and a half years later the temple stands as a symbol of light and love and beauty. For many it holds similar feelings of surprise at just how amazing it looks and how much joy it brings to everyone who sees it. It is am emblem of the Savior. Everything about the story of this temple leads us to the Savior, and in turn to God.

This temple is an example to me how God takes things that are so broken down or imperfect and creates beauty from them. It is an example of how after dark and lonely times, there is light. It is an example of giving all we can to serve the Lord. It is a connection between past and present. This building, now a dedicated house of the Lord, is a sign to me that God exists and that he wants us to understand his plan for our lives.

I am not from Utah Valley. I never even saw it when it was the tabernacle. Shoot - I don't even live in Provo. But, I do know that the Provo City Center Temple is truly the house of the Lord. I know that God can take us in a broken state and make us beautiful. I know that Christ was crucified and that he rose on the third day. I know that he lives.

Happiness truly is being able to feel of God's love and know that he cares. And that, is why today was so awesome. :)

A Little Piece of Heart

Sometimes I feel like I have a lot to say, and no where to say it all. This week has been one of those weeks. So, I thought I would write a blog. It's not really my style, but hey, it's a medium to get on my personal soapbox and share some thoughts, but more importantly I thought I would share a piece of my heart, so here it goes.

I have often heard people describe this time of life as the "decade of decisions." I agree with that. It is a time of life where we meet decisions that need to be made. I would like to add to that and say that it is a decade of change. Change is hard to do. No matter who you are, it takes effort to change. It takes time to change. It takes goals to change. So, the big question is, how do we change? What is it that drives us to become different? To act different? Maybe it's forced - forced from actions of others, forced from circumstances, forced from need.

Recently I have been trying to change a lot. Change my attitude, change my appearance, change my fitness level, change my financial status. I want to make sure my life is worthwhile. I want to make sure I leave a dent on the world. I want to make sure I am the best me I can be.

My change is motivated from a belief that there is something more - or it can be said, a faith that I can grow and become more that what I currently am and this faith, that is what has helped me make a difference.

A fish out of Water

Well, I recently got home from my mission. And as such is expected, I have many feelings. I often heard in my mission that "home life" would be different. That I would struggle adjusting. People made bets on how fast I would adjust, how quickly I would find "the one," how great my life would be, but what they never told me is exactly how it would be.

 As I dream I go back to those wonderful places. I see the faces of those I love there in the mission. It's almost as if I am there again. And yet, I wake to a foreign bed, alone, and not at 6:30 in the morning and I'm confused. Then it hits me. Reality. I am back. This IS my life. So, I say my prayers, explain to God where I have been, where I want to go and beg that during the day I can help someone. I go to exercise, trying to keep up that great mission schedule,  make breakfast get ready and study.

Now study time used to be my favorite but now it is hard. I have to turn off all the distractions, my cell phone, my Facebook, and find a quiet place to be. Not only that the topics are hard to find. Instead of focusing on how these scriptures will help me teach my investigators I have to learn to apply them to me. To find out what it is that God would like from me.

As I put myself to this task, I find a marked scripture and the memories come flooding back. A tear falls down my cheek as I look up and see the picture of them, the hardest investigator I had, standing in white. I remember the struggle. The many nights I was on my knees begging for them to understand and feel. I remember how it felt to watch them in white enter into the covenant of baptism. My tears turn into a smile as I look at the clock and see it is time to leave for class.

Walking down the street, I see so many happy faces and I just want to stop and contact and talk to them all. However, I must continue on my way. I get into class and a new person sits down next to me. They ask my name and almost as second nature I reach to show them my name tag. Only, it isn't there so I awkwardly say my first name, explain that I have recently got back from my mission and hear the question "did you like it?" I sit and think for a second. Do I answer short with a simple "yes." Or do I explain to them how deeply profound and sacred each experience is? I opt for the yes and then focus on what the teacher is saying. My mind begins to wander again as I see the clock and imagine what I would be doing if I were still there.

Next thing I know class is over and it is time to do homework. I sit down to read the assignment and I realize this does not interest me at all. That I would rather be learning about Jesus and the doctrine of the church. I try to refocus and get the assignment done in just enough time to go hang out with friends.

As I am with them I feel so strange. I missed them a lot. I told my companions all about the fun times we had together. Somehow it begins to seem as if being with them is a dream. It feels just like before and yet different. Have they changed or have I? The suggestions of "fun" that they have no longer interest me. Every conversation I have with them seems to include a story of a fun moment being chased by dogs, going somewhere cool on Pday or the jokes I played on my companions. There are new people there and I wonder, "Are the members? Active? How can the Gospel help them?" They talk about subjects, movies, songs, and experiences I know nothing about. I try to join the conversation, but don't know what to say without being that returned missionary that always talks about their mission. I opt to go home early and sit down on my bed. I have a Facebook message from someone I taught and begin to chat with them. They explain their gratitude and I feel so blessed to have been apart of their journey.

I sit down to read my scriptures again and imagine life in 5 or 10 years. Only the vision is blurry. Who will I be with? What will I be doing? Where will I be? All of these things are unsure. So, I pull out my patriarchal blessing and begin to cry. The mixed emotions of being home and missing the mission seem to collide. I kneel to pray and explain to God all that I feel. He tells me it will be okay. I remember my testimony. I remember that my mission was a training for my life. I receive hope. And then I fall asleep, peacefully dreaming of the future and the past waiting for a new day to begin where I will be living in the present.


Sound familiar? Maybe you just got back from a mission like me? Maybe you know someone who just got home and are wondering how to help them. Well, to be honest, I am not really sure how you can. It is a struggle. You are happy they are back, they are happy they are back, but they will never be able to forget how they felt to be there. They will never forget the wonderful people. So, how can you help them? Make them feel welcome here. In their new life. Allow them to recognize that you are there for them. That you love and care about them. Help them know that they are normal. That they have changed and that they have a great spirit.

Leaving for a mission is hard, but coming home from a mission may be harder. For 18 months or 2 years their life has been dedicated 100% to other people. They did not think about themselves, their future, or their needs hardly at all. Now, being back in the big old world, they feel like fish who has been taken out of water. Flopping around. Trying to find air. Trying to find some escape. Trying to find somewhere they fit in. If this fish does not get new water it will die. So help them. Love them. That is all they need.

Thoughts, Hopes, and Prayers for Newtown

I've had a lot to say in regards to the tragedy that happened today, so I decided to put all my thoughts down somewhere. Here seemed like a good spot. 

In Moroni chapter 8 verse 17, we learn that little children shall receive salvation in Christ. "And I am filled with acharity, which is everlasting love; wherefore, all children are alike unto me; wherefore, I love little children with a perfect love; and they are all alike and partakers of salvation." I know the children who lost their lives today are in the arms of Jesus.

 The lives of children are so precious. I work with elementary schoolers everyday and the thought of anything happening to any of them hurts my heart. I have only sincere empathy for the families affected and the community surrounding the school. In an effort to show that empathy I share my testimony that there is life after death. I know that you will be reunited with your beautiful children again. I know that the time here apart from them can and will be tough, but through prayer and sincere trust in the Lord's plan, you will be able to overcome that sorrow and return to a happy existence. 

On Monday, I participated in an active shooter training. I was briefed on what to do and how to react if something were to happen where I work. I find it frightening to think this could have been my work and I could have been the one responsible for the lives of children. Through this fear I find comfort in knowing I'm prepared. I am not saying teachers at this school were not, because I'm positive they were, it just makes me feel better knowing that because I am prepared, I do not have to fear. 

My last thought is one many of you might find strange. It is in regards to the man who decided to take the lives of these precious children this morning. I have heard many say they wish he were able to suffer more, or that he rots in hell, or is doomed to a miserable afterlife. They say he's full of evil and they cannot comprehend how he could be so cruel. I don't pretend to know any of those answers. I am not advocating that what he did was right. It was not. I can however, feel sorry for him. A man who so unjustly takes the lives of innocent children, his own mother, and then takes his own life must be tortured in some way. I am not saying he is insane or making up excuses, I'm certainly not justifying his acts, but I'm hoping we, as a nation and world, can remember the principle of forgiveness.

I think President Uchtdorf sums up my feelings towards this man in his talk about Mercy. He says, "Forgiving ourselves and others is not easy. In fact, for most of us it requires a major change in our attitude and way of thinking—even a change of heart. But there is good news. This “mighty change” of heart is exactly what the gospel ofJesus Christ is designed to bring into our lives.

How is it done? Through the love of God.

When our hearts are filled with the love of God, something good and pure happens to us. We “keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous. For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world.”

The more we allow the love of God to govern our minds and emotions—the more we allow our love for our Heavenly Father to swell within our hearts—the easier it is to love others with the pure love of Christ. As we open our hearts to the glowing dawn of the love of God, the darkness and cold of animosity and envy will eventually fade.

As always, Christ is our exemplar. In His teachings as in His life, He showed us the way. He forgave the wicked, the vulgar, and those who sought to hurt and to do Him harm.

Jesus said it is easy to love those who love us; even the wicked can do that. But Jesus Christ taught a higher law. His words echo through the centuries and are meant for us today. They are meant for all who desire to be His disciples. They are meant for you and me: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”

When our hearts are filled with the love of God, we become “kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving [each other], even as God for Christ’s sake [forgave us].”

The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine. Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other." 

Christ forgave the meanest and most evil seeming of men. He even forgave those who hung him on a cross to die. As I say my prayers before bed tonight, I'm praying not only for the comfort and support for those families, but for the man who took their lives. Through the mercy of Christ I'm forgiven daily and that same mercy can be shown to all. It's my heavenly fathers place to judge and I know the punishment that will be given to this man will be just. 

Some may read this and think I'm choosing that mans side. Some may think I don't realize just how terrible the grief these families feel is. Some might even say I'm overly optimistic and blinded by religion. To these comments I say one thing: I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan that makes tragedies like these make sense. I know those sweet children are now in Heaven with Christ. I know that through the Mercy of Christ justice for this man's sins will be met. I know that these families will once again be reunited. I have faith that even though there is bad in the world today and life can be cut short by so many tragedies and in so many ways, faith in Christ will get us through. 

This is a time for us to band together. This is a time for America to say "we are ONE nation under God" this is a time to turn to prayer and service and spread the love of God to all. This is a time to mourn and grieve but most importantly it's a time to overcome.