So, I have been broken now for about 3 weeks. I've been pretty positive about the whole situation, but sometimes it's really hard. I felt like I should finally write something about how I'm really doing not just the positive moments. So here's a list of the worst things about being broken.
1. Not being able to walk. I'm a hiker. I hiked almost every weekend of the summer. I love being outside and walking around in the trees and mountains. I also walk to relieve stress. Now, I can't just get out of my head and go for a walk to clear my mind. I can't even get things for myself, move around freely and go upstairs.
2. Stairs. Let's talk for a bit about how stairs are literally of the devil. I live in a basement. I work in a basement. Not gonna lie, I hate, HATE stairs now. Yes, there are railings, yes you can help me, yes there are elevators and crutches and so many ways to get me places but you have NO idea how much effort it takes just to get up on stair let alone a whole flight of them. I have literally crawled up and down the stairs just as pathetic looking as you can imagine because that's easier than hopping and jumping and working and yeah.
3. Not being able to drive. I love driving. I like getting out and drive to the sore and go shopping and driving through the mountains and just being able to take myself where I need to go. Having that taken away has been one of the hardest things ever.
4. Sympathy. This isn't a bad thing or a bash against people but for reals when you look at me with eyes that say "what a terrible thing, I'm so sorry." And then treat me like I just found out everyone in the world just died and I'm about 5 minutes away from dying myself, that just makes things worse.
5. On the other hand, apathy. I DO have a broken foot. I can't do a lot of things anymore and even some things I can do take so much effort it's easier for me to just ask you for help. I appreciate that you try and help me do things by myself, but if I ask for help, take 10 minutes longer or don't do what you think I can, please step in and help me out. I'm struggling and that's not easy.
6. Loss of independence. I've always been very independent. I don't like asking for help, relying on others, or feeling like I need someone else to survive. It's been really tough actually having to rely on people. Losing the feeling of being able to be independent is really rough.
7. Transportation devices: I mean it's 2016, why can't we teleport yet? Having to lug around my scooter, crutches, etc. is the worst. I want to just be able to get from point A. to point B. quickly and efficiently without pain.
8. Let's talk about the pain. I'm in constant pain. Yep. Constant. And it's not just my foot. Not being able to use one body part means that you have to learn to use the rest of them. Which, in turn, means my whole body aches.
9. Feeling SO lazy all the time because all I want to do is sleep. I'm exhausted. My body is working to repair itself and that's rough. So when I don't want to go out, when I just want to sleep I feel like such a lazy lady. It's the worst.
10. Stress and tears. I cry. A lot. And I'm always stressed. If I go anywhere I have like 20 extra things to think through. I sometimes cry because I feel like burden, because I can't go running and clear my head, because I'm scared. Basically a lot of stress and a lot of tears go into the emotional process of healing.
I've learned a lot since being injured. I've learned to rely on people. I've learned to be served. I've learned that I'm not as strong as I always thought I was. I've learned that it's hard being different than others. I've learned that there is a lot I don't understand. Life isn't always as easy as we wish it was. Sometimes crap happens that makes it really hard. That doesn't mean that we have to be crappy people or have bad attitudes because we can be happy. Let me say that again: throughout the worst times in our lives, WE CAN BE HAPPY. Yes I just listed 10 things I hate about being broken, but guess what, I'm still happy! I smile, I find joy and I keep going. That's because it's not the end of the world, it's a rough patch that I'll get through and become better because of.
