So, I have been broken now for about 3 weeks. I've been pretty positive about the whole situation, but sometimes it's really hard. I felt like I should finally write something about how I'm really doing not just the positive moments. So here's a list of the worst things about being broken.
1. Not being able to walk. I'm a hiker. I hiked almost every weekend of the summer. I love being outside and walking around in the trees and mountains. I also walk to relieve stress. Now, I can't just get out of my head and go for a walk to clear my mind. I can't even get things for myself, move around freely and go upstairs.
2. Stairs. Let's talk for a bit about how stairs are literally of the devil. I live in a basement. I work in a basement. Not gonna lie, I hate, HATE stairs now. Yes, there are railings, yes you can help me, yes there are elevators and crutches and so many ways to get me places but you have NO idea how much effort it takes just to get up on stair let alone a whole flight of them. I have literally crawled up and down the stairs just as pathetic looking as you can imagine because that's easier than hopping and jumping and working and yeah.
3. Not being able to drive. I love driving. I like getting out and drive to the sore and go shopping and driving through the mountains and just being able to take myself where I need to go. Having that taken away has been one of the hardest things ever.
4. Sympathy. This isn't a bad thing or a bash against people but for reals when you look at me with eyes that say "what a terrible thing, I'm so sorry." And then treat me like I just found out everyone in the world just died and I'm about 5 minutes away from dying myself, that just makes things worse.
5. On the other hand, apathy. I DO have a broken foot. I can't do a lot of things anymore and even some things I can do take so much effort it's easier for me to just ask you for help. I appreciate that you try and help me do things by myself, but if I ask for help, take 10 minutes longer or don't do what you think I can, please step in and help me out. I'm struggling and that's not easy.
6. Loss of independence. I've always been very independent. I don't like asking for help, relying on others, or feeling like I need someone else to survive. It's been really tough actually having to rely on people. Losing the feeling of being able to be independent is really rough.
7. Transportation devices: I mean it's 2016, why can't we teleport yet? Having to lug around my scooter, crutches, etc. is the worst. I want to just be able to get from point A. to point B. quickly and efficiently without pain.
8. Let's talk about the pain. I'm in constant pain. Yep. Constant. And it's not just my foot. Not being able to use one body part means that you have to learn to use the rest of them. Which, in turn, means my whole body aches.
9. Feeling SO lazy all the time because all I want to do is sleep. I'm exhausted. My body is working to repair itself and that's rough. So when I don't want to go out, when I just want to sleep I feel like such a lazy lady. It's the worst.
10. Stress and tears. I cry. A lot. And I'm always stressed. If I go anywhere I have like 20 extra things to think through. I sometimes cry because I feel like burden, because I can't go running and clear my head, because I'm scared. Basically a lot of stress and a lot of tears go into the emotional process of healing.
I've learned a lot since being injured. I've learned to rely on people. I've learned to be served. I've learned that I'm not as strong as I always thought I was. I've learned that it's hard being different than others. I've learned that there is a lot I don't understand. Life isn't always as easy as we wish it was. Sometimes crap happens that makes it really hard. That doesn't mean that we have to be crappy people or have bad attitudes because we can be happy. Let me say that again: throughout the worst times in our lives, WE CAN BE HAPPY. Yes I just listed 10 things I hate about being broken, but guess what, I'm still happy! I smile, I find joy and I keep going. That's because it's not the end of the world, it's a rough patch that I'll get through and become better because of.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Beauty From the Ashes
Today was an amazing day. Like one of those days where I just kind of sigh and think "Man, true happiness exists and it is this." There are many reasons why today was awesome, but the main one has to do with a building that I have personally been obsessed with for months now - The Provo City Center Temple.
In the third session of the dedication Elder Nelson talked about how this temple was an example to all of what happens when God takes something destroyed and makes something beautiful from it. He discussed the scripture in Isaiah that talks about how God will "give unto them beauty from ashes." That to me was absolutely amazing. It came right after a talk by Elder Whitney Clayton where he talked about the patience that went into planning, preparing, building, and readying the temple of the Lord. Elder Clayton related this to our lives.
For me, the reason I love this temple so very much is because it is a symbol of the Savior and his resurrection. I can't imagine what it must have been like for those who followed the Savior to watch his crucification and then resurrection. I love the gospel movies that show Mary and her surprise when she sees him in his resurrected form and her joy at knowing he was made whole again. To me, that is the same story of what has happened with the temple. It was a dark, sad day when the tabernacle burned. 3 and a half years later the temple stands as a symbol of light and love and beauty. For many it holds similar feelings of surprise at just how amazing it looks and how much joy it brings to everyone who sees it. It is am emblem of the Savior. Everything about the story of this temple leads us to the Savior, and in turn to God.
This temple is an example to me how God takes things that are so broken down or imperfect and creates beauty from them. It is an example of how after dark and lonely times, there is light. It is an example of giving all we can to serve the Lord. It is a connection between past and present. This building, now a dedicated house of the Lord, is a sign to me that God exists and that he wants us to understand his plan for our lives.
I am not from Utah Valley. I never even saw it when it was the tabernacle. Shoot - I don't even live in Provo. But, I do know that the Provo City Center Temple is truly the house of the Lord. I know that God can take us in a broken state and make us beautiful. I know that Christ was crucified and that he rose on the third day. I know that he lives.
Happiness truly is being able to feel of God's love and know that he cares. And that, is why today was so awesome. :)
In the third session of the dedication Elder Nelson talked about how this temple was an example to all of what happens when God takes something destroyed and makes something beautiful from it. He discussed the scripture in Isaiah that talks about how God will "give unto them beauty from ashes." That to me was absolutely amazing. It came right after a talk by Elder Whitney Clayton where he talked about the patience that went into planning, preparing, building, and readying the temple of the Lord. Elder Clayton related this to our lives.
For me, the reason I love this temple so very much is because it is a symbol of the Savior and his resurrection. I can't imagine what it must have been like for those who followed the Savior to watch his crucification and then resurrection. I love the gospel movies that show Mary and her surprise when she sees him in his resurrected form and her joy at knowing he was made whole again. To me, that is the same story of what has happened with the temple. It was a dark, sad day when the tabernacle burned. 3 and a half years later the temple stands as a symbol of light and love and beauty. For many it holds similar feelings of surprise at just how amazing it looks and how much joy it brings to everyone who sees it. It is am emblem of the Savior. Everything about the story of this temple leads us to the Savior, and in turn to God.
This temple is an example to me how God takes things that are so broken down or imperfect and creates beauty from them. It is an example of how after dark and lonely times, there is light. It is an example of giving all we can to serve the Lord. It is a connection between past and present. This building, now a dedicated house of the Lord, is a sign to me that God exists and that he wants us to understand his plan for our lives.
I am not from Utah Valley. I never even saw it when it was the tabernacle. Shoot - I don't even live in Provo. But, I do know that the Provo City Center Temple is truly the house of the Lord. I know that God can take us in a broken state and make us beautiful. I know that Christ was crucified and that he rose on the third day. I know that he lives.
Happiness truly is being able to feel of God's love and know that he cares. And that, is why today was so awesome. :)
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
A Little Piece of Heart
Sometimes I feel like I have a lot to say, and no where to say it all. This week has been one of those weeks. So, I thought I would write a blog. It's not really my style, but hey, it's a medium to get on my personal soapbox and share some thoughts, but more importantly I thought I would share a piece of my heart, so here it goes.
I have often heard people describe this time of life as the "decade of decisions." I agree with that. It is a time of life where we meet decisions that need to be made. I would like to add to that and say that it is a decade of change. Change is hard to do. No matter who you are, it takes effort to change. It takes time to change. It takes goals to change. So, the big question is, how do we change? What is it that drives us to become different? To act different? Maybe it's forced - forced from actions of others, forced from circumstances, forced from need.
Recently I have been trying to change a lot. Change my attitude, change my appearance, change my fitness level, change my financial status. I want to make sure my life is worthwhile. I want to make sure I leave a dent on the world. I want to make sure I am the best me I can be.
My change is motivated from a belief that there is something more - or it can be said, a faith that I can grow and become more that what I currently am and this faith, that is what has helped me make a difference.
I have often heard people describe this time of life as the "decade of decisions." I agree with that. It is a time of life where we meet decisions that need to be made. I would like to add to that and say that it is a decade of change. Change is hard to do. No matter who you are, it takes effort to change. It takes time to change. It takes goals to change. So, the big question is, how do we change? What is it that drives us to become different? To act different? Maybe it's forced - forced from actions of others, forced from circumstances, forced from need.
Recently I have been trying to change a lot. Change my attitude, change my appearance, change my fitness level, change my financial status. I want to make sure my life is worthwhile. I want to make sure I leave a dent on the world. I want to make sure I am the best me I can be.
My change is motivated from a belief that there is something more - or it can be said, a faith that I can grow and become more that what I currently am and this faith, that is what has helped me make a difference.
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